A Retrospective Look

On Saturday afternoon, I spent some time pulling together a lot of old writings of mine. Most of them were from the period when I was the church moderator, although some are more recent. I had wanted to encourage our board members to allow a greater community to develop among the board itself, and so asked that the monthly reports include some personal reflections on what was the most exciting thing and what was the most challenging thing encountered during the past month. So of course, I needed to lead by example, and my reports faithfully contained those reflections.

Also included in the collection were some of the summaries made from visioning retreats, writings concerning our plans for the future, writings concerning what was essential and how we would tell if progress were being made — which, by the way, was not how many people we had in our building or anything else that would typically be measurable by a number.

In looking over some of that material, I was a bit surprised to see the hope, the passion, the commitment, the engagement that shone through. And I felt myself missing the man who had written that material, who believed that the church could move forward in being community, and who had been so energized by the whole project of getting there. Sure, he was more than a bit naive, and often frustrated at how slow things seemed to go, but, on the whole, he still was a more energized individual than I am now.

It made me realize just how much the events and responses and processes that followed have affected the way I see the world — not primarily the world "out there", but the world "in here", inside the church. That world inside the church is a much darker place now than it used to be, the adversaries much larger and more numerous, and the likelihood of seeing it transformed just that more distant. Perhaps most importantly, is how much harder it is to be encouraged by the enthusiasm of others and by the small, but significant, events that transpire in the life of any community.

I wonder whether these changes are permanent, or whether some of that old energy and hopefulness will one day return. I miss it.